What is mental load?
Mental load typically refers to the behind-the-scenes, cognitive and emotional work needed to manage a household. Examples are meal planning, scheduling and generally meeting the needs of every family member. The mental tasks you take on at work can also add to your total load.
Experts at the University of Melbourne suggest that mental load tends to be:
Invisible, taking place internally but resulting in added physical labor
Without boundaries, existing at work, during leisure time and interrupting sleep time
Never-ending because it’s typically tied to the constant care of loved ones
Ongoing or increasing mental load can lead to added stress, anxiety and sleep deprivation. Over time, those health issues increase the risk of developing chronic disease.
Living with a heavy mental load can also strain relationships at home or work — wherever the load seems uneven and overwhelming.
Unbalanced cognitive load in any relationship may directly relate to your:
Feelings of self-worth
Partner satisfaction
Risk of burnout
Given the ‘invisible’ nature of mental load, the other partner is often unaware of the burden until their loved one starts to experience exhaustion, burnout or resentment, which can trigger tension or conflict in a relationship. Sometimes couples get so stuck in roles and habits that it’s hard to break free. Counselling can help provide help with communication which leads to awareness. This can help we can change patterns and attitudes that can turn destructive if they’re not addressed. Professional help part of an be the solution to more lasting change.
Unequal partnerships are less happy partnerships
“Who’s doing the dishes?” may appear to be a straightforward question, but many studies show the answer has a significant impact on the quality of time you share as a family, as well as the health and longevity of your relationship as a couple.
Counselling can help with communication techniques to avoid resentment and defensiveness. When the load is shared, couples act as a team. This can not only make you feel more connected but also provides positive role modelling for children.
Common examples of mental load
Mental load comes in plenty of shapes and sizes.
This list highlights a few situations people carrying a heavy load will likely recognise:
having a partner who needs to be told what to do and when to do it when there are obvious tasks that need attention (ie dishes, washing, nappy changing)
paying or reminding a partner to pay bills
needing to offer praise or pats on the back for a partner handling necessary household tasks when you do not recieve this
keeping track of parenting-related daily details, including after school sports, play dates, notes from school, book week costumes, library book due dates (we could go on)
Scheduling doctors and dentist appointments for the whole family (including for your partner)
checking in on kids’ physical and emotional needs through all stages of development
making to-do lists, shopping lists lists, and meal planning taking into account the whole family's likes and dislikes
deciding on, purchasing and wrapping gifts for friends and loved ones (even if it’s your partners friends/family)
scheduling duties, ie kids birthday parties, visits to family or friends and date nights
lacking the time to pursue leisure activities when your partner does have time to relax
Consider listing everything involved in running a household, including the more invisible ‘mental load’, and agree on an even division. The book Fair Play offers couples a way to divide domestic responsibilities in a way that’s fair and values both parties time equally.
Becoming a team
Tips for the partner with higher mental load burden:
Your partner can’t read your mind and be aware of all the mental load tasks that you carry. Writing your ‘to do’ tasks down, showing them your diary or your ‘to do’ list in your notes app can be helpful to demonstrate all the ‘invisible tasks’ that you feel responsible for.
Your partner might not find that taking initiative and being organised comes naturally, so it may take some time to see changes.
It may be tempting to do tasks allocated to your partner yourself as you may want to do things quicker or in the way that you want. Try to let go of this urge and remember that this will not meet your needs in the long run.
Some useful questions to ask yourself to start reducing your mental load include:
Does this task need to be done?
Does this task need to be done in the way I want it to be done?
Am I the only one who can do it?
Express appreciation to your partner when you can see them trying to take on more mental load responsibilities.
Tips for the partner with lower mental load burden:
Try to mindfully listen to your partner if they are raising issues around mental load with you.
Focus on validating their feelings e.g. “it sounds like you have been overwhelmed, I can see that there is a lot on your ‘to do’ list”, “I’m hearing that you feel empty and that it is hard not finding time for your own self-care”.
Try to avoid problem solving statements such as “you should have asked, I would have done it” or “next time just tell me and I’ll do it”. While the intention behind these statements is usually to offer support, an overwhelmed partner can feel invalidated and feel even more pressure to take on a ‘project manager’ type role.
Attempts to reassure e.g. “don’t worry, it will get done”, can also be unhelpful when someone is under mental load burden and be perceived as dismissive.
Avoid defensiveness e.g. reminding your partner of the tasks that you already do.
When delegated a task, try to be prompt and responsive. Whilst the task may appear to be of low urgency or low importance to you, getting it done quickly means you are able to take on more tasks from your partner to reduce their burden.
Take initiative by asking to view your partner’s ‘to do’ list and volunteering to complete some tasks.
Try to express appreciation for your partner taking on mental load responsibilities.
Increasing awareness of mental load burden, communicating about it and making some behavioural changes can help couples find balance in their relationship. Thrive Counselling Solutions Adelaide can offer a safe, non judgemental space to have conversations and learn communication skills. It can help alleviate stress for the higher mental load burden partner, reduce tension and conflict in the relationship and improve overall relationship satisfaction.
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