For some people, Mother's Day is great and exciting, while for others, it can come with a host of complicated and difficult emotions. If you’ve lost your mother, a child, or a pregnancy, it can be a day filled with pain and sadness. It can also be hard if you are estranged from your mother or had a difficult childhood.
if you are hurting – know that you are not alone…
If you are missing your mother or a child, you are not alone. If you are grieving the fact that you never became a mother or if you are worrying that you may never become a mother, it’s not just you.
Maybe you’re angry because you didn’t have a great relationship with your Mum. Maybe you are mad because you made your own Mother’s Day brunch or frustrated because -even on Mother’s day – you did not get to use the toilet by yourself!
Perhaps you are worrying that you’re not a perfect mum all the time.
You would not be the only one if you are feeling guilty for not doing more (or “enough”) for your children or your own mother.
It could be that even on Mother’s Day, you feel overwhelmed and underappreciated.
Whatever the reason, Mother’s Day can come with a lot of difficult emotions, like grief, sadness, anger, anxiety, resentment, and more.
If you're grieving this mothers day due to loss, you have permission to not celebrate. Yes, permission. To those yearning to be mums, where this time reminds you of your unspoken pain. To those whose mum have passed on. To those with strained relationships with their maternal figures, or deep pains regarding your motherly connection, you're allowed to celebrate by not "celebrating"
Social Media and Mother's Day
It can be very hard to go on social media and see long posts about how great other people’s Mums are, along with happy, cheery pictures with them. Remember social media is a highlight reel. People only share what they want you to see, and that’s usually only the good stuff.
If you find that the social media posts are upsetting you on Mother’s Day, try setting boundaries for yourself. You might:
Set a short time limit for how long you can scroll on social media for Mother’s Day and the day or two before and after Mother’s Day
Stay off social media completely for the day
Talk to someone you trust about the thoughts and emotions that are coming up for you as you see posts and pictures on social media
Mother’s Day Celebrations
If your mum wants or expects to get together for Mother’s Day, and you have a strained relationship this can be a challenge. There are a few ways you can cope as a child who doesn’t have a close or healthy relationship with their Mum.
Set Boundaries
You might find if helpful to set boundaries about the amount of time you can commit to a Mother’s Day get-together. Time boundaries might sound like:
“I can stay for two hours.”
“I will have to leave by 5 pm.”
If you have not set boundaries like this before, or even if you have, your mum might not respond well to your boundaries. This can look like 'guilt tripping' you into staying longer or having an angry reaction. When it’s already difficult to set boundaries, this can be disheartening, but it is good to be aware of so that you can prepare for it. Working with a Counsellor or other mental health professional can help you learn, practice and feel comfortable with boundaries, with your Mum and in all areas of your life.
An important boundary setting skill is the ability to uphold your boundaries through a negative response from someone else. Remember that setting boundaries are first and foremost for you, and they are also for your relationships. Working with a mental health professional can help process these complicated emotions. At Thrive Counselling Solutions Adelaide, Carly helps individuals recognise what boundaries would he helpful and provides skills to put them into place in everyday life.
Supporting someone grieving on Mother’s Day.
Be a listening ear for your loved one if they are grieving, as this can help open up the conversation if they feel like talking. It’s okay to not know what to say - sometimes that honesty is best. “I don’t know what to say, but I know this is tough for you and I just want you to know that I’m here for you and whatever you need.” They don’t need any well meaning but unhelpful platitudes or toxic positivity. They need real talk.
Remember that grief doesn’t just magically disappear after a couple of months. Whilst the acute grief might have faded, grief is a lifelong journey, especially when it comes to people who are so close to us. Remember to check in and ask how they are going.
Mother's Day is a multifaceted occasion that evokes a range of emotions, from joy and gratitude to sadness and longing. It's essential to recognise and honor the complexity of these experiences, offering compassion and support to those who may find this day challenging. By fostering empathy and understanding, we can create a more inclusive and supportive environment for individuals navigating the complexities of Mother's Day.
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